OROP and Yoga ‘Din’

          The Defence Minister, Parrikar, said that the importance of the Armed Forces has gone down because India hasn’t had a war in decades. If the Armed Forces aren’t important to a country, would a Raksha Mantri be important?

Now, what can Parrikar do about it? Can he snap his fingers and chant “War-War-War” to make it happen? Not that easy. a) His colleagues in the Foreign Ministry will have to fail in diplomacy (ok, that’s easy enough). b) The Finance Minister and his boss, the PM, will have to figure out how many rupees will be needed (difficult to cough up or borrow these days), c) The weather has to be kind, d) The opposition has to be convinced, e) Human Rights Activists need to be converted, and many such unrelated but pertinent points have to be taken care of… like the opinions of advertising gurus and retired bureaucrats on 60-minute television programs.

There’s only one thing Parrikar can depend upon: the Armed Forces. And well he knows, equipment can be bought, but not the training of soldiers/sailors/airmen. Nor their spirit.

Parrikar talked of ‘importance’ and the PM spoke of ‘commitment’ regarding the OROP (One Rank One Pension). Wonder how much weight one can give to their promise to retired soldiers (many old enough to retire from the planet). They --the RM and the PM, not the soldiers-- have stretched a couple of deadlines: March-beginning, April-end, May-middle, June. It was discussed in the news. Must say Parrikar has an air of sincerity when he talks. Fooled Shri Husband also and that’s hard to do. The FTII could consider putting him (Parrikar, not Shri Husband) on the Faculty.

I saw on television: he (again, Parrikar, not Shri Husband) pleaded with decorous veteran soldiers (thanks to whom since 1947 we’ve been able to support/criticise the government of our choice) to ‘give (the government) more time’. As if thirty years weren’t enough (that’s how long the veterans have patiently waited). In the last 12 weeks, multiple promises were made and broken with fresh and now undeclared deadlines. So the soldiers decided, in their own disciplined way, to protest all over the country, from Jalpaiguri to Kannur. No natak, no drama, no hysteria, but they came out in big numbers to make their problem visible.

Parrikar and his colleagues couldn’t escape in spite of the Lalit Modi fiasco. So they hid behind the ‘National Yoga Day’ headlines.

I saw the connection. I have figured out just what the Government’s plan was/is: to deploy eight-hundred billion people to protect the nation. Minus the ill, ailing, under-14 and over-60, India still has six-hundred billion plus Indians of all shapes, races, ages that can be mobilized in a focussed way. Today, on yoga din, will be the show of strength that will scare off the most prepared of enemies.

Please note, yoga din has nothing to do with decibels; the ‘din’ is Hindi for day. National Yoga Day, got it? Like National Kidney Day.

Satellite pictures will show human beings across and over an entire subcontinent contorting and stretching at the same time, in postures sometimes graceful, sometimes grotesque. Scary, no? Who knows, the force of so much moving, and all that togetherness might make the earth wobble on its axis. (Maybe there’s an ancient Indian text with the calculations regarding this: there’s a lot about ancient India I’m ignorant of. My bad.)

 Community halls, schools with roofs and walls, parks (=any open space), roads paved or otherwise, terraces of private homes, will become training grounds for those whose hearts beat for the culture and heritage of this country. And are willing to fight for its honour and defence without shedding blood, limb or life.

How, you might ask. Let’s take the inhalation-exhalation trick that’s hard to detect. The collective drawing in of breaths by so many billion pairs of nostrils will cause a low-pressure area over the neighbourhood. That will draw in heavy monsoon clouds and the resultant floods will cause devastation in enemy land. Not here in ours because the very same nostrils will exhale all together, turning the winds right around. No need for aircraft/tanks/submarines. No arms’ deals, therefore no corruption in that sphere. Brilliant, whosoever’s idea it was.

If infiltrators do come in, they will choke to death if they reach Delhi or Mumbai or Bangalore: pollution is so-o handy at such times. If that doesn’t kill them, they’ll suffocate anyway because of laughing very hard. That fatal mirth will be the consequence of their seeing, in whichever direction, in any part of the country, at the border and deep within it, humans twisting their limbs. Elbows and arms knotted around abdomens. Left knees and ankles tackling their right counterparts in photo-shoot-worthy postures. Those who don’t get hysterical will be busy clicking photos to despatch to Whatsapp/Facebook, wasting precious minutes.

“Why don’t you stay out of matters that don’t concern you?” Shri Husband barked when I brought the topic up.

So I resorted to maunaasan (=zipped-lip-pose). Works best when one’s in shirsasana (=the head-stand). And I’m typing this with my toes, upside down. It’s the least I can do for my country.

Raksha and Pradhan Mantris, hope you’re impressed.

Feedback: sheelajaywant@yahoo.co.in