No Lights on My Car

          Poilee the government took away the tint from my car’s windows and now it says I can’t put a light on top. I loved all the lights on my car-top. I’ve removed them now because I’m a law-abiding Goan. I had devised a way of blinking them one at a time or all together, depending on my mood. Solid my car looked, like a disco on wheels.

When I put the red one on all the other vehicles screeched out of the way. Some cops saluted and no-body dared cross the road.

When I used the blue and yellow swivelling one, I’d sing neele-neele amber pe… at the top of my voice. All cops saluted me; some bystanders, too.

The pure blue bulb I removed. Not nice to imitate an ambulance. Might bring bad luck, I thought, what if some dying patient put a curse on me. Worse, if the patient got better, he or his mogachi might take revenge by releasing the varo from my tyres. Why take a chance? Like that I’m bhitrey haan.

I couldn’t pretend my car was a hearse because in Goa at least we don’t have red hearses. Don’t know about other places. Don’t know if hearses have lights on top because they’re never in a hurry. Or shouldn’t be. What if the dead (wo)man is a VIP? Maybe then they put a red light on temporary basis.  Must check.

Man In My Life (MIML) heard me grumbling to myself. “What are you going to do now? You’re not a VIP, no red light, nothing,” he said.

I gave back: “Government can make rules, poon haanv aikataa kai kitein,  haanve kitey kelaa zaanna… I took an idea from the truck-wallas. I strung purple, red and green fairy lights on my (oops, sorry, my car’s) fenders.  From the Jai Mata Di types I maroed another idea: I tied on the windows and the outer mirrors golden-bordered orange cloth festoons. And I’ve installed this fantastic horn, men, can make you deaf at half-volume.”

MIML said: “Just because you’ve dressed the car like a Bollywood item ….” And then he started laughing. (I think he’s jealous of my ideas).

Forget truck, I retorted. I know how to get my car to look respectable. I said: “I will get ‘Army’ written on my back number plate. I haven’t seen any with Coastguard/ Postal Services written on them. Maybe there’s a law against that and I’m law-abiding.” I got ‘Army’ painted neatly, visibly, before MIML said anything else.

Whilst I was at the garage, I thought I might as well get ‘Press’ painted on the front number-plate. In red and in capitals: PRESS.

Looked quite impressive, I thought, should be able to enter any enclosure at any event.

It was much later that I added the doctor’s insignia. Nowadays the simple red cross won’t do, you have to have those snakes going around some dagger/sword-like thing. Not difficult to find; I asked around and got a sticker. Dotoralee gaadee means I can park where I want, not many people will question me. I chant “Emergency” like a magic mantra. Everybody stands around in awe, staring, hoping some television-type excitement will happen. Bedecked car can bend rules.

Today I’ve added the lawyer’s black and white bow-tie sticker right next to the doctor’s one. So if I’m stopped for something, I can say I’m either a doctor or a lawyer. (Our cops will get stressed out trying to figure out who the owner is. Or impressed.)

Can’t leave religion out. I’ve got stickers for both Sai Babas, two ‘oms’ of different sizes and one ‘devak kaalljee’. Oh yes, one metal kurees to hang from the rear-view mirror with a Hanuman in an aerial dance-pose for company. Inside I have magnetic murtis of Mangeshi-Shantadurga – cultural necessity.

Best of all, I have installed fog-lights. Those bluish-white ones, zaannaa, that all the Mercedes, Audis, BMWs and other Big Money cars in Goa and neighbouring states have? They can effectively blind any driver in any weather. I don’t know whether there’s any rule regarding them, but who will enforce it? See, be practical, you can’t catch car after car after car, no? Plus, my number plate is also single digit. Shows Paid-Money status immediately.

Having loud music coming from every corner of the interior and saare jahaan se acchaa linked to the reverse gear helps.

There are so many ways to shows who’s the boss. Never mind the red lights.

(Feedback: sheelajaywant@yahoo.co.in)